So, the Clomid Experiment is in full swing around the Storms household these days. In truth, I am pleased with the amount of emotional control I've been able to muster. While there have been a few low points, overall, I've felt like I'm on an even keel - and dare I say it, even happier? Perhaps it has to do with this time of year. There's so much going on, so many parties to go to, presents to buy, family events to attend, that there really doesn't seem to be a dull moment. The decorations are up, the Christmas carols are playing, and everything about this season makes me downright jolly.
Where is the sarcastic and cynical woman of yesterday, you ask? I've sent her packing and into hibernation.
For the first time in a long, long time, I'm actually optimistic about the future. Somehow I know that things will work out. I don't know how they will work out, but I know that they will. I haven't had that feeling in a long, long time. I'm concerned though that the Clomid has made me hallucinate and giving me a sense of false hope. But I'm banishing those thoughts to the back of my mind. So, perhaps this day is just a "high" day of the week and tomorrow I'll be a weeping mess again, but I'll just deal with that later.
The actual day of Thanksgiving was rough for me. It resulted in me, crying on the ride to church and pretty much through the entire church service. Don't ask me why. I couldn't tell you. I think it had to do with something Jeff said to me about the defroster in my car. Seriously. That's how sensitive I've been. As we were leaving church, I turned around to greet the couple behind us, and inquired about her health, as she has been going through treatment for breast cancer. She told me that she has to be on hormone replacement therapy for five years...yes, five years. I couldn't do that. Or rather, society wouldn't let me do that. It would require court orders and straight jackets. In any case, her plight only increased the tears.
Dinner was pleasant, however. We had a full table, full bellies, and great conversation. However, my dad wanted to play a game where we had to write down what we were most thankful for this year. As I was thinking, I started to panic, as I couldn't think of anything I was really, truly thankful for. In any case, that's when I kicked my own ass. How selfish and short-sighted I've been! I've been so wrapped up in this whole idea of conception and my own personal drama that I've failed to see and appreciate anything else in this world. And that's when my perspective changed. This is the season for being thankful for what you have, not wasting time pining away for what you don't have.
And I've been given so much.
I have a family that loves me, a faithful husband who adores me (and is willing to put up with the Clomid rages and night sweats), a nice house, fantastic and supportive friends, gainful employment, and a very handsome puggle. The list is endless. How many people can say that?
So, for this holiday season, I'm resolving to appreciate what's in front of me. I want to work hard each day, and make sure my husband, family, and friends know that I love them, and am eternally grateful for the profound effect they have had on my life. The baby obsession can wait, for now.
Of course, I say this today. I'll get back to you tomorrow.
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