A New Lease on Life

So, this weekend I turned thirty. In reading all my past entries, I had one goal in mind - getting pregnant before I turned thirty. Obviously, mission unacommplished. I have mixed emotions about this. In some ways, I know that this is the way things are supposed to be. There's a path that I'm following and deviations from the game plan are not up to me. But, even six months ago, that goal seemed so possible. I've made no secret of the fact that I want children. While I haven't exactly been open and honest with the world about my difficulties conceiving, I'll talk about it with those who want to know.

Right now, I'm planning a baby shower for one of my co-workers. I really want this occasion to be special for her. I've put a lot of thought, effort, and time into the details - making sure things are perfect. In some ways, I have found this theraputic and in other ways, it's like I've painted myself a prison. The constant nagging questions float in the back of my head, "When is this going to happen for me?" Or in moments of deeper dispair, "Is this ever going to happen?" I was at Target last week, picking up a few things for the party and I stopped to get a card. In the middle of the aisle at Target, I started sobbing for no particular reason. It just happened. I understand fully that this makes me look like a crazy person.

In fact, it's probably why I haven't picked up a gift yet. I think I'll just forego a cute little outfit and settle on a gift certificate for a pedicure, just so I can avoid walking into a baby store. I'd like to avoid fits of hysteria - I don't think I want to cause them.

My co-worker has been a wonderful source of support over these past several months. She was there for me when I started having difficulty conceiving and covered for me when I was out, miscarrying and dealing with the psychological fall-out. I got a card from her today, and this is what it said inside:

Hey you

Wild Child with the smile on your face

And the sparkle in your eyes

With the wind in your hair

And the world at your feet.

Can't wait to see

All the great things

You're going to do

With this brand new year ahead of you.

On the inside, she wrote, "Thirty is the beginning of all the good stuff. You are still young and sassy, yet have the experience to do it right. I wish all the best for you as you start the next chaper - start a family, travel, and savor the good moments. It goes by fast."

I couldn't have said it better myself. This day, this week, this year, this decade will be filled with wonderful new experiences. I will be able to have a family and I will experience everything I want - it will come. I know many women are sad to be turning thirty, but I can't wait. This is my year - this is my decade. I can't wait for it to begin.

What Makes a Mom

I haven't written much lately, and I suppose I was hoping it would be because I didn't have to. As it turns out, that isn't the case. And so, I turn back to you. I've been talking to so many people out there who have gone through the same thing I have, who have struggled with infertility, but I don't know what good this is doing me. I think it causes me to dwell on everything. Most of the time, I feel like I'm walking around with a big "M" stapled to my chest. The sideways head tilt, the calm, soothing voice, asking me "How are YOU doing?" I know they expect me to reply, "I'm alright" with a smile, but sometimes I just can't get there. Telling this to my friend, Shan, she sent me a link to her friend's blog...who's going through the same thing I'm going through...who's had the same experiences I've had. In reading the blog, I came across this poem that I'm going to re-post here.

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today

I asked, "What makes a mother?"

And I know I heard Him say

A mother has a baby

This we know is true

But, God, can you be a mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied

With confidence in His voice

I give many women babies

When they leave it is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for the day

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay

I just don't understand this God

I want my baby here

He took a breath

And cleared His throat

And then I saw a tear

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing today

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

Of love and life and fear

My mother loved me so much

I got to come straight here

I feel so lucky to have a Mom

Who had so much love for me

I learned my lessons very quickly

My mother set me free

I miss my Mother oh so much

But I visit her each day

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow is where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear

Mother don't be sad today

I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see, my dear sweet one

Your child is okay

your baby is here in My home

And this is where they'll stay

They'll wait for you with Me

Until your lessons are through

And on the day you come come

They'll be at the gates for you.

So, now you see

What makes a mother

It's the feeling in your heart

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start

Though some on earth

May not realize

Until their time is done

Remember all the love you have

And know you are a special mom.

~Author Unknown