Baby Steps

This week has been full of very high "highs" and very low "lows" so to speak. On Monday, I don't know how much lower I could scrape before I hit bottom. I was upset with myself, upset with my doctor, and generally angry at just about everyone. I took a swipe at my friends, and really should have just hung a sign over my head which told people to come back another day.

Unfortunately, Tuesday was no better. I went to the deli in my building to order a sandwich and there was a woman in front of me with an ass so big, it should have had it's own zip code. I'm not even exaggerating that. I almost pulled out my phone to take a picture of it so I could submit it to Ripley's Believe it or Not.

In addition to the incredible amount of space this entity occupied, it's owner could not concentrate on the task before her. She could not order a sandwich if her life depended on it. It was the most obvious case of ADHD I have ever personally witnessed. I stayed behind her in line for about five minutes, listening to her start her order, "I'll have a turke......." and then my email ping sounded and she had to figure out what the noise was. Then, "I'll have a chick...." Only to hear someone laugh behind her and she had to check that out as well. She also had to turn around numerous times, mouth agape, to stare at all the people in line behind her. To me, it was as if she was actually enjoying holding up everyone's lunch break. The deli employee assisting her was being extraordinarily patient.

Finally, another clerk came up to the second cash register and asked if he could help me. The ass obstacle was in my way, so I attempted to sidle around it, only to have it check me in the gut. She didn't apologize. I attempted again to skirt around Butt Mountain. This time, I got nailed in the hip. At this point, I politely begged the pardon of the ass (and it's owner) and motioned to the second employee, standing there, and indicated I would like to get up to the lunch counter. Apparently, she had been saving all her focus for the death stare she shot at me, telling me, quite snidely, that it was her turn and I should learn to be patient.

Now, I was pretty hefty at one point in my life. Granted, I didn't feel as though I needed to register my ass as its own township, but I remain sensitive to the weight struggles of many Americans. But, at this point, I'm hungry, hormonal, and more than a little fed up with the ass entitlement antics on display from this individual.

I'm also pretty sure this woman has never had anyone stand up to her in her life based upon the way she ordered me around, but I was not going to go down without a fight. I asked her if she enjoyed monopolizing the counter space at the deli and then I stood behind the Ass Wall and shouted my order to the waiting employee. I ended up yelling almost directly in her ear. Granted, the ass did also double as a sound barrier so I don't think she was too gravely harmed. Yes, I was immature, but I didn't care. As I ordered, this woman's mouth fell down around her equally ample bosom, and she stood, staring at me while I completed my order and moved down the line to fill my soda. The other people behind me followed suit. I still don't think she had finished ordering after I picked up my sandwich and left.

I'll just say this: It was delicious.