There's really no easy way to say it. Divorce sucks. It's painful, its heart wrenching, it's long and it's just sad. The process of marriage creates these tiny little knots in our lives - like the ones my mother has been tasked with getting out of our curtain pulls - and the process of divorce is picking apart and unraveling those little ties until the cord lies flat again - or as flat as it ever will. Metaphorically speaking, that little piece of string is never going to be perfect again. It's always going to be kinked from the years it spent tied up and I think that's a lot of what life will look like after the divorce process is complete. You won't have any ties connecting you to marriage, but you'll never be free of the time you spent tangled up. This is all the more true when you add two sweet-faced, pudgy children to the mix.
I think that my husband decided a long time ago that he wanted to leave me. I don't know why he didn't pull the trigger sooner - maybe he was scared, maybe he thought we could work through things, maybe he didn't want to leave the kids - I don't know, but he didn't leave until last week. What started out as a separation has now grown into the big "D" word that everyone is ashamed to even utter. Even now that I've accepted the fact that this is where our marriage is heading, I still need to get up the courage every time to tell someone that we're divorcing. The reaction from everyone I've told has been exactly the same - utter shock and disbelief, a period of brief speechlessness, and then I can see the wheels of their minds turning to understand that maybe, this news isn't as shocking as the system initially led the brain to believe. Everyone asks about me, asks about the kids and what they can do to help. I smile and reply and, more often than not, I'm met with the remark that I seem so calm and rational about it all. Because truthfully, I can't put all the blame on Ex. As they say, it takes two to tango and if I was being honest, I think I decided a long time ago that I wanted him to leave me too. But it takes a stronger person to go take the harder path.
But that doesn't mean its easy or that there's no mourning associated with the death of our marriage either. It is so hard, every day. It's something that's on my mind all the time. It's all consuming both from a practical and emotional standpoint. The tiny knots that need to be undone - sell the house, buy a new one, move, get some therapy, untangle the finances, agree on child support, divide the assets, establish a visitation schedule, tell your kids, tell your family and friends, and so on. There are so many lists, I think I have lists of my lists.
In some ways, I think this is good - I'm consumed by everything right now. Learning how to manage the household expenses on my own, working on the house to move Ex out and getting it ready to sell. Making sure they kids are doing alright. Going to work every day. It's good to have things to keep me busy - but I'm terrified for the point where they aren't any longer. That means that everything will be over and done, things will be final and legal, and I'll try to settle down and find out "new" normal. Now, the hardest thing in the world for me is to get used to the idea that he's not there any longer - I don't keep one ear cocked to hear the whir of the garage door and I'm not sure who to call if something exciting or important happens in my life that I want to share. Now the sad reality is that I was usually asleep by the time he came home and he never answered his phone if I called. But the other night, as I was bathing the kids and getting them ready for bed, I realized that I wasn't angry any longer. I wasn't resentful of the fact that he wasn't home to help me. And yet, I still miss him. Or maybe I just miss the idea of him.
The support I've received from others has been incredible. But, in typical human fashion, when disaster strikes we bake, cook and buy. It's like my birthday - this week, I've gotten flowers, food, a bracelet, and a home spa kid. It's disarming - everyone wants to know what they can do to help. And there's a part of me that almost feels guilty - I'm assuming that I'm the one getting the sympathy because HE was the one that left US and not the other way around. But again, I'm not sure what kind of support he's getting either. And while people want to help, mostly I just want to save up those favors to cash in when it comes time to move.
Regardless, I feel like I've learned a lifetime of lessons in the past ten days. People can surprise the shit out of me. I've also had to accept some hard truths about myself as well. I've also recognized that you don't know how strong you can be until you have to be. I think I go through every emotion on a daily (or hourly) basis too. In some respects, I yearn for the freedom that's coming after the divorce, but there's still a part of me that hopes for reconciliation. And, while I don't hate him, I hate the fact that he "gets" to take my kids away from me. That might not make any sense, but I hate that I have to share them. Even if it's healthy, important, and good for them. I understand all the rational and objective factors that play into things, but I can't seem to compartmentalize my emotions to fit with the situation.
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