A New Lease on Life

So, this weekend I turned thirty. In reading all my past entries, I had one goal in mind - getting pregnant before I turned thirty. Obviously, mission unacommplished. I have mixed emotions about this. In some ways, I know that this is the way things are supposed to be. There's a path that I'm following and deviations from the game plan are not up to me. But, even six months ago, that goal seemed so possible. I've made no secret of the fact that I want children. While I haven't exactly been open and honest with the world about my difficulties conceiving, I'll talk about it with those who want to know.

Right now, I'm planning a baby shower for one of my co-workers. I really want this occasion to be special for her. I've put a lot of thought, effort, and time into the details - making sure things are perfect. In some ways, I have found this theraputic and in other ways, it's like I've painted myself a prison. The constant nagging questions float in the back of my head, "When is this going to happen for me?" Or in moments of deeper dispair, "Is this ever going to happen?" I was at Target last week, picking up a few things for the party and I stopped to get a card. In the middle of the aisle at Target, I started sobbing for no particular reason. It just happened. I understand fully that this makes me look like a crazy person.

In fact, it's probably why I haven't picked up a gift yet. I think I'll just forego a cute little outfit and settle on a gift certificate for a pedicure, just so I can avoid walking into a baby store. I'd like to avoid fits of hysteria - I don't think I want to cause them.

My co-worker has been a wonderful source of support over these past several months. She was there for me when I started having difficulty conceiving and covered for me when I was out, miscarrying and dealing with the psychological fall-out. I got a card from her today, and this is what it said inside:

Hey you

Wild Child with the smile on your face

And the sparkle in your eyes

With the wind in your hair

And the world at your feet.

Can't wait to see

All the great things

You're going to do

With this brand new year ahead of you.

On the inside, she wrote, "Thirty is the beginning of all the good stuff. You are still young and sassy, yet have the experience to do it right. I wish all the best for you as you start the next chaper - start a family, travel, and savor the good moments. It goes by fast."

I couldn't have said it better myself. This day, this week, this year, this decade will be filled with wonderful new experiences. I will be able to have a family and I will experience everything I want - it will come. I know many women are sad to be turning thirty, but I can't wait. This is my year - this is my decade. I can't wait for it to begin.