The Loaded Question

Helen Keller once said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” At least I think she was the one who said that. Coming from her, that’s a pretty powerful statement. Blind and deaf, she still managed overcome obstacles to convey a sentiment that should ring true in everyone’s life. And let’s be honest, Helen Keller probably had a lot more adversity to overcome than you or I do.

I would love to say that I abide by this rule. But, sadly, I don’t. I judge. I am judgmental. In fact, I even judge people who use poor grammar. I also happen to have an opinion on just about everything. And, of course, my opinion is the only one that counts and the only one that should matter. I imagine that there are many people that feel like this.

So, why should it bother me when other people choose to give me their own take on my life?

Consider Scene One:

The scene opens on me and a group of co-workers, enjoying cocktails in a local bar. There’s laughing, cajoling, a general sense of frivolity and of course, copious amounts of alcohol. I am enjoying my favorite (a glass of champagne) while talking with another woman in my office. For anonymity’s sake, let’s call this woman Fran.

Fran: So, are you and your husband planning on starting a family soon?

Me: Actually, we’re having some difficulty getting pregnant. I’ve been undergoing hormone replacement therapy for a few weeks now to try and help with that. Keep your fingers crossed for us and send fertile thoughts our way!

Fran: You know, if God had wanted you to have children, he would have given them to you already. These drugs you’re taking are just your attempt at trying to change His plan for you.

Me: (Sense of incomprehension on face) Oh. Well. Excuse me please.

And the scene ends with me exiting stage left and bee-lining straight for the ladies room.

Consider Scene Two:

The heroine (that’d be me) is seen on an airplane, dressed professionally, sitting next to the window. I am seated next to a woman who can only be stereotyped as the classic Minnesota Mom. She is short, slightly plump, wearing a flower-print tracksuit, glasses, sneakers, carrying a knitting bag, and an open Reader’s Digest it’s clear she has no interest in reading. Oh – she also sports the classic “mom” haircut. If you don’t know what this is, ask my stylist Charlie. He’s got loads to say on that subject. We’ll call her Cheryl (since I have no idea what her actual name was).

Cheryl: So, are you and your husband planning on starting a family soon?

Me: We’re working on it! (Read this line with enthusiasm and optimistic inflection).

Cheryl: Well, it’s just a shame that you and your husband waited so long to start having children. I had four children, and now I’ve got two grandchildren and it’s so nice that I’m still young enough to enjoy them. You know how grandchildren are. Oh…well, I suppose you don’t. And what did you say you did for work? You’re a lawyer? Well, of course you’re going to stop working when you finally have children, right? You know you should do that because it’s just terrible for the children to have two working parents….ad lib, ad lib. For several minutes.

The scene ends with me staring wistfully out the window, silently sending thoughts towards heaven, wishing God would send me a Xanax to slip into her tomato juice.

So, I was relaying these episodes to my friend, Catie, the other day. She and I got on the subject of the loaded nature of such a simple question: When are you planning on having children? She mentioned that, between friends, the question is relatively benign. And besides, as she pointed out, your friends probably already know your family planning timeline. However, when the question is posed by casual acquaintances or random strangers on a plane, it becomes much more of a precarious situation and the question becomes much more dangerous.

To be honest, I don’t think that this question is meant to hurt or drudge up any suppressed feelings. The question, quite simply, is small talk asked by nosy individuals and the one you seek to avoid at family dinners. My friend, Ashley, was sympathizing with me earlier today, telling me that she’s so tired of being asked when she’s going to get a boyfriend, or if she’s planning on settling down. We concluded that the questioner genuinely wants to know your answer, even if he or she is unaware of the uncomfortable environment it creates.

The point of this, really, is that family planning decisions should only be made by two people. Three people (and their opinions) are not needed to create life. So, if you choose to pose this question in the future, keep your opinions to yourself. And remember Helen Keller.